Funny Phrases

This post contains funny phrases that are good for kids and senior citizens and all in between.

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Bad Jokes

Fast Joke What is the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it smashes against the windscreen of a car going 70 mph? Its butt. Selfish Joke He: Honey, I have to tell you something. I have AIDS. She: I know. Bad Joke KID : Dad, what do condoms do? DAD : Son, they prevent questions just like that one. Plane Joke I asked the stewardess to switch my seat on a plane because I was seated right next to a screaming baby. Apparently that's not something they let you do if the baby is your own. Offensive Joke Doctor: “Well - Mrs. Smith, it would seem that you're pregnant.” Mrs. Smith: “Sweet Jesus, that's wonderful, I'm pregnant?!” Doctor: “Oh no, but at first glance, it would certainly seem so. Here's our weight loss brochure.” Rude Joke A girl to her boyfriend: “I’m breaking up with you!” - “But why?” - “Because you’re constantly making fun of my weight!” - “Oh come on, honey, don’t be like that! Here, grab these two chairs, sit yourself down on them and we w...
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Funny Kid Jokes

Son Joke I stole a couple of minutes from work to give my wife a call. She put my two-year-old son on, and we chatted a while before he ended it with an enthusiastic "I love you!" "I love you too," I said, with a dopey grin plastered on my face. I was about to hang up when I heard him ask sweetly, "Mommy, who was that?" Children Joke At our supermarket, I noticed a woman with four boys and a baby. Her patience was wearing thin as the boys called out, "Mommy! Mommy!" while she tried to shop. Finally, she blurted out, "I don’t want to hear the word mommy for at least ten minutes!" The boys fell silent for a few seconds. Then one tugged on his mother’s dress and said softly, "Excuse me, miss." Quiz Joke Once I’d finished reviewing my daughter’s homework, I gave her an impromptu quiz. “What is a group of whales called?” I asked. “I’ll give you a hint—it sounds like something you use to listen to music.” “An iPod?” she guessed....
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Funny Black Jokes

Immigrants Joke Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend. "Which part did you get?" Offensive Joke "Madam, your son just called me ugly!" The mother apologizes shamefacedly, "I'm so sorry, I must have told him like a thousand times it is wrong to judge people just from how they look..." Horrible Joke One man's trash is another Man's treasure? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted. Death Joke Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?" "To the morgue." "What? But I’m not dead yet!" "And we’re not there yet." Dog J...
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